Gloria should visit Mr. Bean

Dona Gloria will fly again. To London, but not to visit the Queen, whose royal presence she was already granted, was it last year? And for what deal?

The ostensible purpose is to honour an invitation to speak before a gathering of businessmen and academicians assembled by that hoity-toity magazine The Economist. Oh well, she should be in her best elements before these people. They might believe her pompous remarks about how she grew our economy, how she saved her benighted land from recession, and all that ek-ek. After all, at the end of the day, the audience could not care less about this over-populated sprinkling of tiny islands somewhere in the distant Pacific.

Oh well, she can always have a photo op with Mr. Bean. That should be the test of newly-minted Ambassador Lagdameo’s mettle, arranging an "audience" with Mr. Bean.

And likewise to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, for a state visit this time, with the expenses of a number of her party charged to the oil sheiks of Araby. No, they are willing to close their eyes to the fact that our president is not "halal", as I mentioned in yesterday’s article. For a few days, they will have a visitor who, though not "halal", will not be treated as "haram". And what, pray tell, might the deal be?

Don’t bring the congressmen or even the senators, Madamme. Pork, as you now, is also "haram". Their barrels still reek of pork’s "infernal" stench. You might want to invite Ping Lacson to fly with you. He does not partake of the pork barrel, and oh, yes, he likes lamb.
And then again, she will address the United Nations General Assembly for the umpteenth time. The General Assembly’s annual plenary sessions are not really all that plenary. Nothing of real importance is discussed. It is the annual junket for heads of state who will address a plenary hall that’s virtually empty except for their own "hakot". Which is why I cannot understand why Dona Gloria keeps going to the UN General Assembly year in and year out. Either she and her esposo meet private bankers at the Waldorf or the St. Regis in between the lunches and the dinners, and/or she loves to hear herself while addressing an empty session hall.

But then again, getting a crowd of listeners can be easily arranged in the Big Apple. Daming Noy-pi roon. Just tell them Martin Romualdez or Danny Suarez will give them a blow-out at David Bouly afterwards. Or cheaper Wolfgang’s. No more Le Cirque --- much too expensive. But if steak is your fare, try Peter Luger. Thick and juicy, certainly better than Bobby Van’s in northwest D.C.

That’s Erap’s favourite, by the way. And you know how Erap loves steak, just as much as lechon. He used to joke with us in Malacanang that his vice-president, and that’s you, Madamme President, was the one sending him lechon. Lechon was coming out of our ears when Erap was president, but it turns out he had such teflonized arteries that the cholesterol plaque would not adhere.

He never realized until it was too late that you had other plans, and your esposo Jose Miguel was really talking to generals all the time Erap gorged on lechon that he alleged to us you supplied him with.

Why do I always digress when food presents itself as a sidebar?

And then again, we should perhaps console ourselves that our Dona is flying in and out because she wants to enjoy the remaining ten months of her presidency. Sana nga.

She told Obama in no uncertain terms that "yes, we have elections in 2010…I will leave office on June 30. But I will be working until the last minute on issues that matter."

"Issues that matter". Like visiting the sheiks of Araby. Like addressing a half-empty General Assembly, with her own diplomats and their extended friends and families, along with a smaller delegation this time of pork-crazy fine diners called congressmen. Like posing with Mr. Bean.

And for that and other "issues that matter", we will be dunned with 1.5 trillion pesos in the final budget of her presidency.