Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Political jokes

Trust Senadora Miriam to make your day whenever she vents her ire on whoever. Aliw na aliw.

She chewed Buboy Syjuco and spat him out with such sardonic humor that even the masa clearly understood. “Pasayaw-sayaw pa, e ang tanda-tanda na…puti na nga ang buhok!” And even if you knew she was purposely lying when she described her Jun Santiago as “one of the handsomest men in the country”, you simply got bowled over by the way she stitched her barbs together.

Indeed, Buboy Syjuco should ask himself --- why spend 28 million pesos of taxpayers’ money on an infomercial, just to make an ass of oneself. Surely there are cheaper ways to achieve the same result --- making an ass of himself.

* * *

The King of Saudi Arabia has been prevailed upon by the Royal Privy Council to cancel the purported state visit of Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.

The King’s advisers got verified information that Dona Gloria is not “halal”.

* * *

I do not want to join the chorus asking Noynoy to run, whether for vice-president, as Mar Roxas and Frank Drilon hope, or as president, as others in the Liberal Party see as their ticket to glorious resurrection. As one who served in his mother Cory’s government, and was a friend of his dad Ninoy, I want to give him and the rest of his family the needed space --- to grieve, to collect their thoughts and feelings, unfettered by the political noise and perhaps the self-serving agenda of those who would use Noynoy for ends other than the perpetuation of the good and heroic memory of Ninoy and Cory.

So let me instead make him and others laugh. Here’s a joke that’s been passed to many:

Everyone and his mother (that’s not intended for anyone in particular, please) wants Noynoy to be his or her vice-presidential team-mate.

With the Filipinos’ love for abbreviating names and coming put with cute acronyms, how about these?

Mar-Noynoy tandem --- Ma-noy
Binay-Nonoy tandem --- Bi-noy
Chiz-Noynoy tandem --- Chin-noy
Ping-Noynoy tandem --- Pi-noy
Noli-Noynoy tandem --- No-noy
And the impossible tandem: Gloria with Noynoy --- Una-noy!

Joke, joke only!

* * *

The PaLaKa formula to make Gilbert Teodoro win the presidency, according to the disjointed parties’ strategists, goes like this.

Gilbert should up his survey numbers to at least 10 percent by November 30, or even close to that. Their “command” vote, their humongous machine-generated votes. Will give him a “sure” 15%. That makes a total of 25%, enough to make him win in what is expected to be a multi-candidate brawl. (FVR made it in 1992 with just 23.4% of the total vote, and Miriam still disputes that to this day).

Gibo’s problem is how to magically transform 0.2%, (that’s one-fifth of 1%, or out of 1,800 nationwide respondents, according to Pulse Asia, only 4, yes sir --- only four of 1,800 mentioned him as their choice for president if elections were held in the first week of August.

Now how does he get 180 votes or 10% in 90 days? From 4 to 180?

For starters, Gibo hired a talent scout and events manager to handle his pre-campaign. That explains the T-E-O-D-O-R-O disaster relief infomercial launched during the abbreviated Pacquiao fight last March. Pilit na pilit to give some calamity work nexus to Gibo’s family name. Sophomoric, to say the kindest. No wonder it was a disaster.

Could Gibo re-invent himself in the next 90 days? And it’s the lunar calendar’s ghost month, if he does his product re-launch. If you’re Chinese, or knows anything about feng-shui, you know what I mean.

* * *

But it seems like Gilbert’s Tito Danding is not laughing. And just to demonstrate he is dead serious about regaining political turf in his beloved Tarlac, he has persuaded his very private gentleman of a younger brother, Henry Cojuangco, to run for Congress in 2010, against Gilbert’s wife, Nikki Prieto-Teodoro.

Now surely, that’s no joke.

* * *

Another reader, reacting to our article on “Senator-hopefuls”, loved the way we said that “Pichay might run for senator again, this time resurrecting himself as a cabbage”.

But this reader, whose name I shall keep a secret lest Butch discovers he is one of the LWUA employees, said the more appropriate vegetable is “kangkong”. “Pupulutin na naman siya sa kangkungan”, the reader wrote.

Salvaje tu eres.

* * *

Margaux Salcedo, the comely spokeswoman of former President Joseph Estrada, clarified in a press statement that former President Joseph Estrada, “did not call former President Fidel Ramos "amoy-lupa" as quoted in an article in the Philippine Star the other day”.

"It was merely a text joke that former President Estrada shared. The reporter picked up the joke as if President Estrada meant it, which he did not," Salcedo explained.

Regarding the two former presidents challenging each other to run, Salcedo said, "We have to understand that the two statesmen are just kidding. Men of such stature have earned their right to boast and challenge the other even in jest once in a while.

Talaga? Erap joke only? Ang kaso, Margaux, pikon si FVR. Tingnan mo na lang ang ginawa nung Edsa Dos, and before that.

* * *

A reader wrote: “Ang sabi mo ay subung-subo na si Manny Villar sa pagkandidato sa presidente at mga 700 million na ang tinatapon”.

Let me clarify: It is estimated that Villar has spent 700 million on TV air time alone since he started his commercials. That’s for TV time alone. Add 75 or so million for production costs. Add radio air time. Add print advertising. Add “paid” media men, spread throughout the archipelago. Add “paid” handlers and “paid” spokespersons. Add the cost of building a political infrastructure, including giving “deposits” to the Lakas and Kampi stalwarts who will at the right time become “converts” to Villar’s “good governance” bandwagon and join his heaving gravy train. Add the cost of paying “volunteers”.

Exchanging notes the other day with a veteran of many political campaigns, we estimate he has thrown 2 billion pesos thus far. But for Villar, “pera-pera lang ‘yan”.

And our reader asks: “Hindi ba nakakatakot kung ito ang manalong presidente? Tiyak na babawiin niya ang gastos na iyan. E di korapsyon kaliwa’t kanan?”

That’s easy. All he has to do is to get all public lands titled in the name of Vista Land. And that, dear readers, is not a joke.